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  • Sad days ahead

    For almost my entire life it has never been very difficult to decide what to do at the next stage. As a kid, adolescent, young-adult, and early 20-something all steps were sort of laid out ahead of me… expectations were set, opportinities were given, and I was willing to follow the flow. Easy. I may have done many exceptional things in this short life, but I haven’t struggled through tremendous adversity with the strength of my determination and overcome vast odds like the heroes you read about. The only thing that is exceptional about me and my life is the profound luck and fortune that constitutes the foundation of it all. So far in life, it seems that I have very good karma.

    So far… life has been a joy-ride. But now I’m sitting in a beautiful town in a spectacular country surrounded by happy people going about their happy lives, and I’m more confused and sad and heart-broken and scared than I’ve ever been. Now I’m thinking about what to do with my life, and there’s no illuminated road infront of me. There’s no path of least resistance. They all look dark and difficult. I’m overwhelmed by the feeling that no matter what I choose to do, there will be hardship and pain ahead.

    For the first time in my life, I feel like I’m having to make decisions that will affect the next 10 or 20 years! I’ve never thought more than a year in advance, and I’ve been quite happy as a result. I never cared about commitment, because change has always been so frequent and even welcomed. I’ve never worried about who I’m going to be in the future, because I’ll figure it out when the time comes. And I’ve never had to decide whether or not I’m going to leave the love of my life, my companion, my other half, in the opposite side of the world. I’ve never had to worry about hurting someone I care most about.

    I’ve never been this torn. Three years I’ve had to think about this, dreading the day when we’re forced to choose and accept dramatic changes to our lives. The only thought that has reassured me through this has been: I’ll know what to do when the time comes. Now the time to know is right around the corner, and I’m afraid of what I decide. I’m afraid that I’m going to suffer, and my sweet sweet pootie is going to suffer even more, and we’re going to do it alone… on opposite sides of the globe.

    But part of me also welcomes this. Like standing on the edge of a cliff, looking down, terrified, asking yourself why you’re even in this position… but knowing in the back of your mind, in that little voice that’s being drowned out by the fear, that you have to jump and you’ll be happy you did. When it’s over… you’ll be happy. After the dread has left you, the extreme emotion of the event washes through you, and the recovery is complete, you know you’ll feel like a new man- stronger, wiser, happier, with renewed purpose, and the talent and sheer will to make things happen. I need to struggle for my future, I need to confront the challenge of life head on and take it in the balls… face the suffering like a man and come crawling out the other end, scathed, but alive… like the heroes you read about.

    My test is coming… and I pray that I have the courage to succeed. I pray that I make wise decisions. I pray that my life’s fortune wasn’t just a fluke, and that I continue to have mainly good karma. And more than anything, I pray that Lada does not suffer too dearly. That’s really what hurts the most- thinking about hurting her.

    Fingers crossed… and on into the void we go. Wish us luck.

    Theme: Esquire by Matthew Buchanan.